bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
