So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
