so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
