I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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