guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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