Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
