what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
He passed out mid-signature
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
