He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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