Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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