I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
sex in a hospital.. check
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
