the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
