but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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