decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
