Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
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