He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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