she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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