My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
