Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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