I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
We are two peas in an std pod
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
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