i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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