The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
