There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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