Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
