She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
