I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
