we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
