I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
