Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
