One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
is wine microwaveable?
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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