I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Randomize
