I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
