Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
