Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
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