i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Randomize
