She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
