You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
