google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
