i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
