dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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