She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
