the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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