On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
