TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
