time to smoke my breakfast
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
