I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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