I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
whose ass print is on the piano?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
