I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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