I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
We have started to decorate penises.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
