i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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