Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
