is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
